The Trap of Trying to Control your Destiny

The Trap of Trying to Control your Destiny

Leadership Personal Growth self development

We all want to be in control, to know what’s coming down the pipe, to have certainty.

We want to be the master of our destiny. But life’s not like that.

And it can be crazy-making to try to hold on to control, when there’s a higher wisdom within us at play.

More and more people are following empowerment gurus like Tony Robbins, and working manifestation techniques like the Laws of Attraction and listening to the you-can-do-anything coaches. They are busy setting goals and intentions, thinking the right thoughts and feeling the right feelings, and visualizing and setting boundaries and cutting cords and yada yada.

And then they give themselves and others a hard time when they haven’t created what they want in their life.

Judgement and criticism is the result, with thoughts like “You’ve been talking about that dream for-EVER! Why haven’t you created it yet?!” What’s implied is: “There must be something wrong with you; You’re not doing it right; or You’re not spiritual enough.”

Most of you don’t take into account another important factor when you set out to achieve an outcome… your higher, wiser self has a great deal of say in the matter. And it is usually completely outside of your conscious awareness.

Our thinking mind (ego) is typically the goal-setter. It does a great job of assessing the past, analyzing the situation and imagining the future.

There’s an aspect of you that I call your Higher Self or Soul. Some call it the ‘I AM Presence’, or Divine self. It is the part of our consciousness that has a plan for our life experience.

This Higher Self wants to experience the unfolding of our life, our evolution. It is overjoyed with all of the everyday growth, shifts, transformations and learning that we experience as we live this life adventure in ordinary reality.

However, this aspect of our self also has a bigger perspective. It has desires for us to experience and evolve in certain ways and will ensure that we experience certain experiences. The specifics of those experiences though, are the result of our everyday choices, decisions and actions.

Your Higher Self sets out your destiny. Your Ego mind affects your free will.

We want to be an active participant in life and not feel that life is happening to us, out of our control. And, we cannot control everything with our conscious mind, with ego.

Our conscious mind is the co-creator with our Higher Self.

This is the grand opportunity to soften and be compassionate with ourselves and others. When it seems like it’s taking too long to achieve the thing… Or you’ve been working on the thing forever and still haven’t cracked it… Or you’re still doing the thing that isn’t serving you… then it’s time for a little self-compassion. Your Higher Self in all of it’s cosmic wisdom is orchestrating the grand plan, and your job is to find the blessing in it, rather than beat yourself up about it. There’s wisdom to glean, and personal growing to come of it.

The stuck situations in life are ALWAYS offering an opportunity to shift to a higher consciousness. Not higher as in authority, but higher as in more empowering.

I recently came through an ordeal in the selling of my house. For more than 3 months there was baffling behaviour from the buyer and his realtor, and tremendous uncertainty about whether the sale would close. Contributing to this was that the sale occurred at an unprecedented peak in the market, so the possibility of the deal falling through could have meant many more months of re-listing and selling again at a dramatically lower price, and potential legal proceedings against the original buyer. I had already moved my family into our new home two and a half months before this saga ended.

During all of these delays and uncertainty I kept looking for the learning in the experience. I knew that I didn’t consciously call this in to my life, but my Higher Self had some reason for me to be experiencing this. It wasn’t until the day before the house finally closed (a miracle in itself on so many levels), that I realized what the growth opportunity was for me.

This was a prolonged stressful and uncomfortable time. As a single-adult household, I was solely responsible for the decision to move (an upheaval in itself), and for navigating the change so that we would maintain a safe and loving home environment. I felt the weight of the uncertainty for all of us. And I was infuriated with this buyer that refused to honour deadlines and legal agreements.

During this time, I would catch myself thinking about negative possibilities and outcomes that I didn’t want, and do whatever practice I could to bring myself back to calm and peace. Every time I felt the grip of anxiety or worry, I would clear the negativity and shift my focus back to the result I wanted: a successful close.

It was a rinse and repeat practice. Ongoing, in all shapes and sizes. I used forest walks, friends, colleagues, energy healing, affirmations, tarot and oracle cards, inspirational reading, meditation, and positive visualization, among other things to turn my thinking and feeling around.

Now I affectionately refer to my exasperating buyer as my greatest blessing. He was the sole reason for my worry, frustration and stress, and simultaneously my greatest teacher. In the experience he felt like my enemy, and turned out to be my ally.

The grand awareness that I received on that day before closing was that this ordeal was an opportunity for me to shift from fear consciousness into surrender, peace and trust. It had NOTHING to do with the buyer as a person, and everything to do with me and my perception.

But the world is full of fear, you say. We’re pummeled with fear-mongering at every turn. How can you possibly shift out of fear consciousness?! Well it is easier said than done – hence the prolonged situational practice ground that was created. And I believe this is humanity’s current opportunity in our evolutionary process, and the reason why so much negativity is surfacing to be healed and cleared.

I could have been really hard on myself during all of this for having attracted such a painful experience into my life. Some righteous spiritualists may have judged me for not being able to get it together and resolve it, for not being able to raise my vibration enough, or that I must have done something wrong.  All of that is hogwash.

Everything happens for a reason.

My Higher Self is thrilled when I find the learning in a challenging situation, and grow from it. And yours is too.

Here is my invitation to you. Release control (it’s an illusion anyway). And tune in to your deepest, inner wisdom and truth – often. You have a beautiful opportunity to co-create your life with you Higher Self. This makes the challenging times smoother and shorter, by accelerating the learning and growth process.

The next time you’re in a messy situation, ask yourself “What is there for me to learn here? How is this an opportunity to grow?”

Meditate on that, my friends. And life will be so much more fulfilling.

If you’d like to learn more about deliberately shifting your focus or on co-creating with your Higher Self, give me a call and let’s talk. I’d love to connect with you for a complimentary consultation.

Here’s to being a conscious participant in your soul evolution!

Until next time, be free and wild.

Sue

8 Signs your Motivation is Unhealthy

8 Signs your Motivation is Unhealthy

Business Health & Wellness Leadership Personal Growth self development Uncategorized

In the article Is your Motivation Hurting you? I shared two important types of motivation that are inconsistent, stressful and unhealthy, and the ideal balance of motivational drivers to have to accomplish your goals in a healthy, consistent and sustainable way.

This is a quick check to see if your motivation is healthy or not.

Here are 8 signs that your unconscious motivation patterns are potentially unhealthy.

  1. You are very driven and your drive is causing you stress.
  2. You are frequently unclear about what you want. You tend to defer to what your supervisor or your clients want of you.
  3. You care far too much about what others think of you. Your benchmark of success depends on what they say about you.
  4. You tend to work in fits and starts, with confusion in between.
  5. Things like looming deadlines and negative consequences are incredibly motivating to you. And you usually don’t get started unless one of these is in place.
  6. Your momentum and productivity is inconsistent.
  7. If you were the only one in the office for a week, not much would get done.
  8. You are motivated on a regular basis by one or more of the following emotions: anxiety, dread, fear, anger, revenge, terror, rage.

If you said yes to 3 or more of these signs, then you likely have some unhealthy motivation patterns running.  Either you are too extrinsically motivated or you are too avoidance/away-from motivated, or both.

When you are too extrinsically motivated you are giving away control over how you measure your success and self-worth to others. You’re letting something or someone outside of yourself dictate how you feel about yourself.

When you’re too avoidance motivated, you’re going through life focusing on what you don’t want.  That will just bring more of what you don’t want into your experience.

What you resists persists.

Have a look as some of my coaching programs if you’d like to do something about this. I’d love to chat with you to see how I can help.

Leave a comment below and let me know what motivates you and what you learned from this post.

How to Know if your Stuck

How to Know if your Stuck

Business Leadership Personal Growth self development

How do you know if you’re stuck? In our hyper-active, multi-tasking society, it can be difficult to find an accurate barometer for ‘stuck’.  What could be considered a slower pace today, might have been overdrive a generation ago.

First let’s get clear on how NOT to know if you’re stuck.

Don’t try to figure out if you stuck by…

…comparing your progress to that of other people

…measuring yourself against what society says you should be accomplishing

…considering what your friends and loved ones say you should be doing

We live in the age of everyone knows best, but when it comes to determining if you’re stuck, only you will know.

It’s time to tune in to the wisdom within you. Take a deep breath and bring your attention into your centre. Notice what emotions you are feeling. And keeping your focus there, read on.

Here are some of the common signs that indicate you’re stuck.

  • You’ve lost your joy. There’s a dark cloud that’s set in and you’re unable to find your enthusiasm for life and your passions no longer spark you.
  • You are not taking action. You are either doing absolutely nothing or you are distracting yourself from the right action with unproductive activity. Exception: If you are on vacation or sabbatical or a much-needed rest, then lack of action is not a sign of stuckness.
  • Everything feels hard. It seems that everything is a struggle and you feel blocked at every turn.
  • You keep getting the same (unwanted) results. You are taking action, but it’s not producing the desired result.
  • Your outlook has turned negative. You’re feeling overwhelmed, drained, despair and/or you want to give up.
  • Your belief in yourself is waning. Your confidence has taken a hit and you’re unsure what you’re capable of anymore.

If after considering all this you’re pretty sure you’re stuck, then you might like my complimentary From Stuck to Momentum Guide available here.

Congratulations!  You’ve determined whether or not you are stuck and can now take action appropriately.  Either get some new resources if you’re stuck, or keep on keeping on if you’re not!

Until next time, be free… and wild!

Sue

Extreme Self-Care for the Holidays

Extreme Self-Care for the Holidays

Health & Wellness life balance Lifestyle Personal Growth

How to get your needs met so you can enjoy every moment

Dear Brave One,

You deserve to be relaxed, rested and fulfilled during the holidays, and it demands extreme self-care.

Who’s job is it to get your needs met?

Yes, it’s yours. Too often we have this unspoken expectation that others will know what we need and take care of it for us.  And sometimes, when that doesn’t happen, we feel resentful and bitter.  Well, not anymore…

The Holidays… Your Time!

In this little guide, I’m going to show you how to maintain your energy and your sanity during the holidays, by getting clear on your needs and planning your time to get them met!  It’s your responsibility to get your needs met.  And your life will be incredibly more fulfilling when you do!get your needs met first

We’re often so worried about being “selfish” that we neglect ourselves terribly. And the result is stress, frustration and burnout – certainly not a combination we want for the holidays.  It is your job
to be selfish because if you don’t take care of your Self, then you won’t be able to give of yourself to those around you who need you.

Strap on your seat belts and join me on this little journey…

How Do You Want to Feel?

First, get clear on how you want to feel during the holidays.  What are your desired emotions for this magical time of year?  Use the list of Emotions at www.suebowe.com/emotions-list and select your top 15 emotions, then narrow it down to 10, and then select your top 5 emotions that reflect how you want to feel during the holidays.  Write them down now.

Which Personal Needs are the Priority?

Using your top 5 feelings as your guide, and the list of Personal Needs at www.suebowe.com/needs-list, go through a selection process again, first selecting your top 15 needs, then 10, then top 5 core needs that are a priority for you this holiday season.  Write them down in a column on the left side of your paper.

Now for each of your top 5 needs, make some notes on ideas for healthy ways to meet that need, and how often you would want to have or experience each thing.  Get specific.  Here’s an example…

 

Personal Need Healthy Ways to Meet that Need How Often
Solitude

 

Luxurious epsom salts and essential oils bath with candles and music for 45 min 1 / week

 

Schedule it in Your Calendar!

Now, pull up your calendar, and schedule the blocks of time into it now, in this order:

  1. The time for the activities (above) to meet your prioritized needs daily and weekly (even if you don’t know the specific activity yet, block in the time!).
  2. One entire unstructured, unscheduled, delicious day to do whatever you spontaneously choose to do!
  3. The events you’ve committed to with family, friends, and work.

… in that order.

Protect your self-time in your calendar with a passion, and you will be happier and more pleasurable to be around!

You did it!  You’re ready to enjoy the holidays with balance, ease and grace.

Until next time, be free… and wild!

Sue

How to Create your Life Strategy for the New Year

How to Create your Life Strategy for the New Year

Leadership life balance Lifestyle Personal Growth self development

It’s already December and it sure did sneak up on us quickly!  Within days, we’ll be into the holiday hustle, layering in more socializing, more shopping and more preparations into our already overloaded schedule. But life continues after the holidays! When will you build you 2017 life strategy?

It may seem like a strange question, but we create a strategy for almost everything else in our lives: our career, our business, our home renovations and moves, our children’s education… but what about a strategy for your happiness and fulfillment? For your learning and growth? For your relationships?

Here’s a Life Planning exercise you can go through in one evening or afternoon over the holidays, or sooner. I strongly suggest committing to a time with your partner and/or loved ones for this, to make sure you do it.

There’s a downloadable worksheet which you can grab here (no email required) to help you capture your ideas.

  1. Set your intentions and expectations for this process. You might decide to expect it to be lighthearted and fun, and that it fosters strong bonds and more alignment in your respective visions for the future. You can also set the stage for this activity – get some chart paper and markers, gather in a comfortable place (eg. around the fireplace), and maybe have a nice bottle of wine to share. What would make it an enjoyable tradition for you and have you look forward to it every year?
  2. Mine the current year for insights and learnings. First look at where you were on January 1st and what you experienced and learned through the year. What accomplishments are you proud of? What setbacks did you face and how did you respond to them?  How does this inform what you want to create in 2017?
  3. Revisit and re-dream your vision for your life. Spend some time imagining your dream life, and making any changes to it based on what you’ve gleaned from the past year. This is the place to get into your right brain space, assume anything is possible. Spend some time in quiet reflection and stillness, listening to the small voice within – your heart and soul. You may choose to solidify your vision with images and words as a vision board.
  4. Explore each area of your life to identify what you want to aim for in the coming year. Is it having something? Doing something? Or being something? Is your intention for a feeling or an experience or a tangible item? Consider every area of your life and ask yourself: “What do I want to create in this area of my life in 2017?”

That’s it!

Of course you can get much more detailed with strategies and action plans, but this is the high level direction for your year.

Be sure to take your analytical mind offline for a while in the process to really tune in to your heart’s wishes and your soul’s desires.

If you’d like some one-on-one help with you life strategy, please consider a session (or a few) with me to get more clarity and direction.

I’d love to hear what you’re planning for 2017. Leave a comment and let me know!

Until next time, be free… and wild,

Sue